Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Atrios steals my paradgim...


OK, maybe, maybe not, but frankly this whole Schiavo thing keeps bringing back Monty Python sketches to me...I quoted the Dead Parrot sketch below, but I also think that the Undertaker's Sketch is apt too.

Cut to an undertaker's shop
Undertaker Morning.
Man Good Morning.
Undertaker What can I do for you, squire?
Man Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my mother has just died.
Undertaker Ah well, we can help you. We deal with stiffs.
Man What?
Undertaker Well, there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.
Man Dump her?
Undertaker Dump her in the Thames.
Man What?
Undertaker Oh, did you like her?
Man Yes!
Undertaker Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? We can bury her or burn her.
Man Well, which do you recommend?
Undertaker Well, they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead, but quick. (the audience starts booing) and then we give you handful of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.
Man Oh.
Undertaker Or, if we bury her she gets eaten up lots of weevils, and nasty maggots, (the booing increases) which as I said before is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead.
Man I see. Well, she's definitely dead.
Undertaker Where is she?
Man She's in this sack.
Undertaker Can I have a look? She looks quite young.
Man Yes, yes, she was.
Increasing protests from audience
Undertaker (calling) Fred!
Fred's voice Yeah?
Undertaker I think we've got an eater.
Man What?
Another undertaker pokes his head round the door
Fred Right, I'll get the oven on. (goes off)
Man Er, excuse me, um, are you suggesting eating my mother?
Undertaker Er ... Yeah. Not raw. Cooked.
Man What?
Undertaker Yes, roasted with a few french fries, broccoli, horseradish sauce ...
Man Well, I do feel a bit peckish.
Voice From Audience Disgraceful! Boo! (etc.)
Undertaker Great!
Man Can we have some parsnips?
Undertaker (calling) Fred - get some parsnips.
Man I really don't think I should.
Undertaker Look, tell you what, we'll eat her, if you feel a bit guilty about it after, we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.
A section of the audience rises up in revolt and invades the set, remonstrating with the performers and banging the counter, etc., breaking up the sketch. Zoom away from them and into caption machine; roll credits. The National Anthem starts. The shouting stops. Mix through credits to show audience and everyone on set standing to attention. As the credits end, fade out.

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