Thursday, April 13, 2006

This is probably complete, unadulterated BS fiction...

but this thread by one Martin Random at Something Awful (HT: danger durden @ kos) is the slap-happiest, giggliest, guffawing piece I've seen on the Bush regime this year:

Donald Rumsfeld needs to wear iced underwear because of some medical condition, and he has his secret service detail hold his spares. He was recently getting uncontrollable long-term erections and had to change up his medical treatments. The underwear and the erections is why he uses a standing desk, not because he is some super-man. He also wears nylon stockings, not because he's gay, but to control some vascular problem with his legs which causes him intense pain.

President Bush uses anti-depressant medication, a lot of it, at a stupendous dosage, and he is hiding it from the American public. This is the real reason he stopped drinking. Because of the dosage, he is also impotent.

Tom Ridge carries 20 credit cards with him at all times, each one with a very low limit. I have never heard of him using one, ever, but he has them. He also wears his socks inside-out, and will flip the fuck out and walk strangely if he is forced to wear them properly, because it drives him crazy. All of his socks must be laundered right side in and then turned inside out before they are returned to him. He gave specific instructions about handling his food, and not allowing his vegetables to touch any other food item on the plate. His utensils must be steamed over boiling water. He will not eat soup which hasn't been boiled within the past 20 minutes or which he has not prepared himself. If any of these rules are violated, he flies into a rage, turns beet red, and will not eat a single thing. He has his personal attendants confirm over and over that the food is as he likes it. He also shaves his forearms and hands because he can't stand the idea of body hair on his arms. He demands that his bedsheets are bleach white and changed fresh every night and he sleeps in a separate bed in a big, tight, body-length nylon sleeve, with a fan blowing over him at full power. He is terrified of animals which have fur or hair longer than one inch, and will not go near curly hair of any kind, even on people. At one time he ran from his office and demanded that someone look under everything for a rodent which did not and could not exist, then he had the entire place wiped down with disinfectant and vacuumed twice. While this was done he couldn't even bear to look at the door, or come within 20 feet of his office. He was in hysterics.

President Bush, when dining at the white-house, does not eat any item of food which has not been first sniffed by a trained dog before being prepared. Think about that.

Word among the staff is that Cheney was drunk when he shot that lawyer, and secluded himself for a day to sober up and avoid felony firearms charges. I don't have any direct information on this because the guys with him at the time are not talking. This is totally unconfirmed, but I think it is plausible.

Dick Cheney has chronic gum problems and his breath smells like shit as a result. He is also a CLOSE TALKER. He keeps a small bottle of diluted hydrogen peroxide which he rinses with every hour on the hour, and he swallows it instead of spitting. He also picks his nose vigorously (violently) and hums loudly and tunelessly to himself while taking shits...

And further down in comments:

Tom Ridge brushes his teeth like 3 times per day religiously, but he can't stand looking at someone brushing their teeth. He contorts as in agony, as if he is actually experiencing pain. He can't watch himself brush his teeth, and even describing the process of brushing teeth drives him up a wall.

If you joke around near Rumsfeld, he will stare at you intensely as if you just killed his mother for about 10 seconds, which will be unnerving because you think you've offended him, then he will begin to laugh a little bit, a bit more, until he is in hysterics. He has a chest condition called Pleurisy that causes this; breathing deeply is painful to him as is laughing with gusto, so he tries very hard to control himself before losing it. It really unnerves people who are trying to be sociable. This is the reason for his creepy shallow laugh in public.

[Press Secretary Scott McClellan]is a human bean bag when confronting the press, designed to absorb blows, and he is a total douche, and granted, the A could get a prettier, more charismatic face to put up there. What you can't see is the genius behind-the-scenes ball twisting he engages in which has cowed them into submission. Revoking press passes, carting them into rooms, deciding who gets to be on which airplane, etc., the man has many tools, and he uses them to spectacular effect. The guy is a genius, a filthy, disgusting genius. I know some damning stuff about him but I need to think a while on how to deliver it without endangering myself.

Every time he is put up there in front of the microphone, realize that he is there as a human signpost of contempt for the press.

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